Man Love

So, I’m about to go my ass to sleep last night when I get a text from my boy Rusty.

It says:     “Marky Mark is Max Payne?”  in reference to the trailers for the May Payne flick coming out soon.  You wouldn’t think this simple text would lead to

The Most Funnest Text Conversation Ever!

– but it did.  Here’s how:

Well, we talked some shit about the movie but, of course, in the end I had to say that I’d watch Marky Mark do anything.  Which lead to us fighting over Mark Wahlberg for a whole minute.  And then….

Rusty:   Fine, you can have him, I’ll take Matt Damon.

Me:       You can have Good Will Hunting if I can have my Dirk.

R:   Ok but i also get my Banky Edwards

M:  And I get my Edward Norton.

R:  Ok you Bastard but for that I get Dafoe

M:   Fine then.  Guess who I get.

Sean.

Patrick.

Flannery.

R:   I figured you might.  Good thing I have already procured Michael Cera.

(that one hit home for me.)

M:  Fuck.  Y’know what?  I got me some Charles Bronson, circa Great Escape.

R:   Then I’ll take the freecreditreport.com guy — he’s so dreamy

M:   You brought this on yourself:      William Shatner.

R:   I did want to say Chuck but you don’t choose Chuck, he chooses you.  So I think I’ll take Adam muthaFuckin West!

M:   Oh damn that’s good.  I was stuck for a second, then:  Stephen Root.

(this is when it got “weird”)

R:   I’ll take William Shatner and David Hasselhoff’s lovechild as a pick to be named later.

M:   You can have Michael James Shatnhoff.  I take Michael J. Fox.

R:   Great Scott!  I’ll take Chistopher Lloyd.

M:   John Cleese and Darth Vader’s offspring, Tim Skywalker.

R:   Legolas Lovitz

M:   Donatello Prime.

R:  Tommy Lee Duvall

M:  Fuck you.  I was going there.  Burt Selleck.

and here’s when I fell asleep, plus also Rusty gotta pretty damn good zinger so he won:

R:  Snake Plissken + John Wayne = DUKE PLISSKEN.

Jay Baruchel

This kid has a shot right now. A real once. And he’s got the talent to close the deal. I really hope he does.

Check him out at imdb.

Then watch him….

Watch him…

Watch. Him.

and then watch THIS!

My Midday with Val Kilmer

Felon

My roommate picked this up from blockbuster – I doubt I would have rented it myself. I saw Val Kilmer and who I thought to have been Baz Luhrmann’s Mercutio on the cover. Val had some badass facial hair and that’s ultimately what won me over on this day off.

At first I thought I might have fucked up. The first several scenes, the typical “how I got to prison” sequence, where Stephen Dorff accidentally kills a home invader… Those were the cheesiest, hack bullshit scenes I’ve been eye-raped by in a while.

But, I thought to myself, wait for Kilmer.

And then there he was. All grizzled and beautiful. And then – what? no way… Sam Fucking Shepherd was right there with him!

Sam.

Fucking.

Shepherd!

That’s really when the movie starts. We learn that Kilmer’s character, John Smith (i don’t get it either), is being transferred to another facility – we can assume it’s the one Stephen Dorff’s going to.

I dug the realism of the procedural shit. I ain’t never been in jail but I’ve experienced courtroom situations and have friends who used to be correctional officers. The language, the attitudes – most of it was in pretty good shape.

So, Dorff gets thrown in das Slam – we meet some Aryan Brotherhood fucks – see a lovely little gang murder (I should carry a sharpened toothbrush around at all times, I think) and then we’re in jail.

Dorff done a pretty good job – his acting and the cutting style employed did a good job of making a small amount of time feel long and excruciating and — jail-ish? But other than a short sequence or two his early scenes are standard prison movie scenes of the innocent guy locked up.

Then, finally, Val Kilmer moves into Dorff’s cell.

Here’s the funny thing about Felon. John Smith is not only the worst-named but also easily the worst written character in this straight-to-dvd release. But Kilmer shits magic. The textures and movements and looks and gritty voice he brings into that cell make the character jump off the screen. Smith, as written, Is a stock veteran lifer who quotes random bullshit and dispenses BS wisdom like Pez. But Kilmer made him so real that (and this is how it should be kids) it didn’t matter that the advice really has little value – what matters is that Smith believed every fucking word of it. The second part of the funny thing about Felon is Harold Perrineau as Lt. Jackson, the leader of the prison guards. Jackson is the Best-written character in this – and it Perrineau seemed to be doing a great job – but the character,overall,came off as kinda silly. I think it’s because director Waugh slacked off in his direction of Perrneau, trusting his writing to care of everything – too bad he was wrong. Perrineau is a damn good actor – But he’s a theatre guy. You gots to tone them motherfuckers down. They ain’t all Brando.

The drama between Dorff and his wife, Marisol Nichols, unfolds in a way that feels very real – they’re concerns are those which are legitimate for a real world couple when the bread-winner suddenly is removed from the equation. And the relationship between Dorff and Kilmer grows in a slow and tension-filled way that’s pretty cool. Even when Kilmer helps Dorff’s character you are aware that he has his own motives and isn’t simply doing it because “He’s my friend”. Kilmer already played that guy

and I think it unlikely he’ll do it again.

Then the climax shows up. And it’s a little too Hollywood but the acting is so great I didn’t give a sticky fuck.

The scene between Sam Shepherd and Dorff… Shepherd is a god among gods among actors and writers. I love that old fucker. I was drooling Shepherd was so dead nuts on in that scene.

The huge negatives are,as always,not enough Val Kilmer or Sam Shepherd. I understand why this movie was straight-to-dvd – its a hard sale. Prison movies always are. What was the last one to turn a buck theatrically? Shawshank Redemption? And what was the first one to make money….. probably Shawshank Redemption.

So, there it is – watch it for the old guys – if you can last through the bullshit in the early scenes.

Oh, and the fights were really cool and there’s one blood effect that was so badass I made happy in my pants.

The Good Lord Giveth…. but sometimes that ol’ devil does too.

This is a mess but it is what it is:

“I don’t envision a very long life for myself. I think my life will run out before my work does, you know? I’ve designed it that way.” -Townes Van Zandt (‘44-’97

“Ain’t no chance if you don’t take it.” -Guy Clark (‘41-still pickin’)

-See the kinda fucked up shit comes into my head when I’m driving drunk?

Emily M. Hagins, Abel Ferrara x 2, Vincent Price and Charles Bronson = Wicked Good Weekend

(throw back a shot every time I say ‘fuck’ or a variant thereof)

FRIDAY:

I done been wanting to see Pathogen since I heard about. I think the first I read of it was Harry Knowles’ article about Emily Hagins getting a grant from the great nation of Texas. I went geeky over the idea of a 13-year-old girl making a zombie movie – as I think anyone who doesn’t suck should. And then she made it and there were screenings and the eventual dvd release but the world seemed to conspire to fuck me outta seeing it.

Well Thursday night I happened across Ms. Hagins on Facebook and asked her if she knew of the dvd being available for rent anywhere in town since I knew she had sold out on her website. She told me Vulcan South – So Friday I saddled my truck and headed to the other side of Town Lake (all respect to Lady Bird, but having Hank Hill’s dog named after you is more than enough, Greedy Ass). So, I went down there and nabbed it. the store’s cool. Ain’t been in a Vulcan before. They had a picture of The Duke on the wall but it coulda been a lot bigger. He’s The Duke, Motherfuckers.

So, I had Pathogen – but I wanted more. Hadn’t been to I Luv Video in a while so I headed there. i walked in and the lovely Alex who works there looked absolutley beautiful – I been in love with her since I first walked off in that bitch. I strolled around that fuckin store forever, had 2 full phone conversations with my brother and rented 3 movies.

Went home ad plugged Pathogen in. Fuck…. That young gal can make a damn movie, y’all. When I was her age I couldn’t even finish a story for a 24 page comic book. She threw down a feature length with great genre moments, well written characters and dialog better than half the shit coming out of Hollywood (not the greatest compliment, I know). i expect to be begging her for a job some day in the near future.

Then I went downtown with my roommate Nate-dawg and got pretty drunk, drank with Leslie Cochrane, ran into some highschool friends and…. did I mention ‘got really drunk’?

Then we came home and watched Pathogen – Nate was naked – I’m not sure why. It was funny, and not the first time this week.

SATURDAY:

Today I had an Abel Ferrara double feature without even realizing it. The first of the I Luv Video flicks was King of New York. Ferrara is a filmmaker I had no experience with before today. After this movie I wasn’t sure I’d want to have anymore. There were moments of true genius but overall it was pretty sloppy – and not in a good way. Walken was God, though. Every time I got to watch him was a gift. But this movie had the worst gunfights I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m a gunfight guy. I’m not the biggest Larry Fishburn fan in the world but he was fun to watch in this – and watching him kill Wesley Snipes was a pretty cool scene.

The second part of the double bill was Bad Lieutenant. I fucking LOVED the balls off of this flick. Harvey Keitel rules my fucking world – and I can’t believe the fuckin shape that sumbitch was in. This review just got crazy shoted because I’ma go drink at Fado and watch Blaggards. But this time I’ll be more careful parking so Al Qaeda don’t be fuck up no more historical landmarks when they trying to kill me. Already got the Governor’s Mansion on my soul, don’t need no more.

I’m posting this on Saturday night but I’m gonna update it tomorrow after I watch Master of the World, and adaptation of a Jules Verne book starring Vincent Price AND Charles Bronson!!!!! Is there anything cooler than that!?! No. The answer is No

SUNDAY:

Was waisted.

MONDAY:

i FINALLY watched Master of the World. It was lacking in a lot of areas, but it delivered on Bronson and Price. Both were tough motherfuckers with opposing agendas and I couldn’t have hoped for anything more really. Price is a Nemo-esque character who functions somewhat like a more active predecessor to Klaatu – if the Earth don’t stop killing itself, he will kill the Earth with his well-armed airship and loyal crew.

Bronson is an agent of the U.S. government who finds himself in a position to stop Price’s Robard and his men. You could definitely tell that Price was loving every ounce of his character.

Hell, how could he not? Look at that facial hair:

Who wouldn’t love that part!?

So, I’ve had me some good movie time. Yay for me.

And Weird Wednesday is gonna have “Rolling Thunder” this week!

I’m in lust with Cole Hauser

OPEN IN A NEW TAB TO HAVE PLAYING WHILE ENJOYING PIC OF COLE

Watch him move here with a cowboy hat on!

Stan Winston

Adam should be writing this. That’s all there is to it. My brother has preached the gospel of Stan Winston for longer than I can remember. When I wanted to make movies in order to best Spielberg and Lucas and Cameron, Adam was driven to the dream by one man. The man who rendered animated our finest dreams and made our nightmares beautiful. He built the T-100, sculpted the ultimate interplanetary trophy hunter, machined Tony Stark’s armor, brought dinosaurs into my living room, and revolutionized creature effects before I could cuss:

and again as recent as 1999:

Winston was a hero among heroes who never failed to bring class and humor to the table while showing the world a creative spark the likes of which we have hardly ever seen. His talents brought into being a neo-cryptozoological world that is recognizable around the Earth. A teenager in Taiwan may or may not know what a Golden Retriever looks like, but show the same kid a picture of the Predator and he’ll give you a short list of the creature’s weapons, tell you what color his blood is and clue you in as to his personal favorite kills perpetrated by said creature.

The man gifted us with textures that simply were not possible before him.

I look forward to a long conversation with Adam concerning Stan Winston’s passing. I know how his heart dropped when he heard the news. He’s his John Lennon. I loved the man for what he gave me and the world is a lesser place to be without him. When I first read of his passing moments before beginning this post I started mourning him as a loved one without even realizing it. When friends and close relatives have died, one of my strongest reactions was to hurt because I would never again be able to do a certain thing that we had done together – or something they or I had promised the other. And as much as I know the fourth installments of Terminator and Jurassic Park are going to be horrible and thus (yeah, I just said ‘thus’) enrage me without end – I absolutely knew that Stan Winston would craft for me visual spectacles which would make my brain explode with the purest of geeky joy. He had promised me that… then cancer took him from me.

He was only 62. I wasn’t done with him yet. My heart’s a little emptier now. He deserves something far more poetic than what I’ve got here or even what I’ve read other places.

Stan, we loved you as a friend because you were in it for all the right reasons. Thank you for showing us magic again.

Wow

According to my wordpress stats for today, someone apparently happened upon my blog by Googling the phrase:

“fucking ass of friend’s wife”

I’m so proud right now I’m speechless…………….

D-Day thru D+2

My spirit (above) was stolen at a sweet little bar called Mohawk on Red River 6/6/08.

It was the end of the first day of a pretty fuckin’ awesome weekend.

6/6:

I got the day of thanks to cool, new bosses and a long week at mein job.

Nate’s 18-yr-old friend bud, Josh, was visitig and needed to be shown the wonders of Austin. Unfortunately most of the ones I know require you having at least 21 years under your belt. So, the 3 of us woke up and went to Austin Books (brother store to the greatest comic shop in the world: Bankston’s). There I got a “Spirit Best of…” collection and 2 of my regulars, The Boys and Local.

Then us 3 fellas went and had an et at Ruby’s motherfuckin’ BBQ! That was damn tasty. Definitely rival’s my fave Art’z Rib House.

Then we went back to the house cuz Nathanael Natelington had to sling JesusChicken. So Josh had to suffer the rest of the day at my hands. I had decided the boy needed to have him some Texas Country forced upon his person so I eye-raped the Austin Chronicle for way too long until I found a place that might let children in, Mohawk, who had a band that I thought was decent enough thanks to their online samplings. jessica and Eric were lovely enough to find out for me whether or not they allowed jailbait in… they did.

The show started crazy late and Nate was able to meet us before they went up. Also, Josh was fortunate enough to see the lovely Leslie on 6th Street wearing a cute lil cheerleaders outfit — precious.

Then we 3 watched the band. They were pretty good. I was happy. The lead guitarist/Banjo player/accordion dude — fuckin’ Wow. He was awesome.

Then another band came on and the Lead Singer of it was the dude who checks me out at the greatest video store on Earth!

I had me a few Shiner’s then I left a very drunk Nate to be driven home by our designated baby and I went and met a “college” friend and a bunch her friends she was in town visiting. Her friend Ste(v/ph?)en talked to me about audio and I hope he contacts me when he gets him some equipness. Or before, hell I don’t care. I can always talk movie.

Then I drunk-drove home.

6/7:

Saturday I rolled out of bed and went over to the abode of my beautiful friends Espen and Espen’s Wife, and we went our happy asses JetSkiing. I hadn’t never been before that. It was fucking AWEsome. I love when I go ouch due to my sore triceps because it reminds me of time spent making myself wet.

Then, they were way nicer than they had to be and invited me out to a party where there happened to be a lovely girl I been having the hots for and her cool-as-hell daughter. I got to hang with them for a bit and asked a gal out that I’d been wanting to ask our for a little while.

Then I went and met 2 of my best fellers, Rusty-Belle and Shano at Fado for to watch Blaggards. I shoulda chosen a better parkin’ spot but that’ll come in later.

At Fado, I got somewhat intoxicated. My liver was envious of Ted Kennedy’s. I danced with 4 or 5 people, one of them a guy, and I don’t even dance! I got to hang out with some cool people and bullshit with the band and a cute lil blond girl kept popping my pearl snaps and running her fingers through my chest hair. This one gal beckoned Shane out for the dancing – she knew not what she was asked. You can never out-energy my Shane. And Blaggards happened to be near the top of a long set of particularly fast songs.

Her arms/legs/soul must still be aching. That rug was cut, Muthafucker!

Then this nice, blond Cougar pounces on Rusty right on top of Last Call and mugged down on his ass hardcore.

Us three country boys had had us a time — but it weren’t quite over…

Rusty was kind enough to drive me back to my truck, which I had parked next to the Governor’s Mansion…

Yeah – - -

THAT governor’s mansion.

We come up to 11th and turn the corner into a gulf of light. I didn’t know there were that many firetrucks in Travis County! I got out and Rusty and Shane were nice enough to wait in case I couldn’t get my truck out in order to drunk-drive home amidst all the Sheriff’s department folk. I’m walking to the truck and after a while it I realize there are char marks all over the front of the mansion. This wasn’t just a threat or whatever. Then, the heat hit my face. then the smoke. I fuckin’ froze. I was seeing my state’s Governor’s Mansion burn. I’m still kinda fucked up over that…

6/7:

Nate took Josh to the airport very early (10 a.m. I think). Then he and I and Rusty and Shano went our asses to Dave and Buster’s to play video games and win tickets and get our daily allotment of Vitamin G. We won us some tickets and all got mini-flasks and shot glasses.

Then we went and got my Truck where we got to see the damage in person. I’ve decided Al Quaeda was gunning for my ass (as usual) and the retards missed and hit the innocently by-standing Stately Mansion. A news photog told me to be expecting a call from the 5.0 which, I must say, is oddly cool. I mean, I’ll be on official record as having witnessed fucking history! TEXAS history!!!

But then the sadness hit, for my two loving mens had to return Northward. It always hurts a little to see them leave. But I know they will be back. They’re my boys. It’s how we do.

And the weekend came to a close with Nate and eye screening the most fucked up/right on revenge movie ever. Has to be the most visceral thing I’ve ever seen. I keep debating between it and Private Ryan but… I can’t decide. Not something I say often.

So, that was my fuckin’ weekend. How was yours!?

The Border Twirl

The Vaquero sits the horizon

Rides the red like a tired mare

His minds eye swims the Rio

His heart spins like a lost compass.

————————–

The scars on his fingertips

Are Gods letters

An alphabet for infinity

a narrative meant for the languageless dirt.

————————————

The River spelt liberty

So he swam it.

That River kept his brother,

So he damns it.

The Border Twirl.

———————–

Dos hermanos on the world

Shoulder to shoulder cowboy born.

To the Rio Grande they ran

Hellbent for Texas land…

—————————-

The Border Twirled.

Motherfuckin’ river swirled.

Divided by water

Each grabbing land.

My friend had found Texas,

but his brother had Mexico in his hand.

———————————-

The River promised future

so they swam it.

Same River wrecked their family,

So they damn it.

The Border Twirl.

————————–

They toil the days and sweat truth

A bloody alley his brother swims.

They’ll open America’s Arms

And be as brothers once again.

The Border Twirl.