“Shitty Trek is Better Than No Trek” – Ernie Moreno

My friend Ernie told me these words when I was complaining about Voyager.  Ernie is a true glutton for Trek and I can appreciate it.

But Voyager sucks rocks through a straw.  So does most of Next Generation.  DS9 at least tried to get back to the true sci-fi stuff every once in a while.  What I’ve seen of the last season of Enterprise did as well.

So this is my review of the full trailer for the JJ Abrams Star Trek movie.  Watch before reading.  The trailer is currently attached to Quantum of Solace which is one of the absolute worst movies I’ve ever seen.

But this is about new Trek.  Fuck all else.

I’ve seen a lot of rumblings on the interwebs saying Abrams doesn’t get Trek and blah blah blah.  The main guy I read saying this was Devin over at Chud.com. I dig homeboy most of the time and he even says several things in his article which make him seem like we’d normally be on the same side of a Trek-related squab.  That ain’t exactly how it is this time ’round.

Here’s my mostly Play-by-Play of the trailer:

00:06

I do have to partially agree with Devin’s “meh” response to the opening sequence w/ lil Kirk driving the ‘Vette.  While I think the gist of the scene is something we can get behind the concept should have been bigger and, far more importantly, it should have been at least a little bit original.  Yes James Kirk must have been a hoodlum when he was a sprout in Iowa but seeing him do that Thelma and Louise bullshit is fucking boring when we’ve seen him outfight Romulans and outwit super intelligences and singlehandedly shatter countless diplomatic boundaries.

00:39

“My name is James Tiberius Kirk” — corny? of course.  But fuck you all I cheered like a retard getting that Powerwhateverthefuck on Guitar Hero.

00:46

The next bit – the Top Gun piece – is pretty silly too but it gives a good look at a Starship in a way we ain’t really seen before.  And I think that’s Captain Pike giving the guidance counselor speech – which is cool.  Good trailer material.  But the bike sounds gay.  Why must motors of the future whistle?

01:03

Vulcan looks badass and fuck anyone who doesn’t want to see Spock as a kid.  Of course if they’re putting Spock as a kid as occurring at the same time that Kirk is a kid then something is very wrong.  Spock was always the senior by more than several years.  But I don’t think Abrams has made that mistake I just wanted to throw it out there.

01:09

The new version of the transportation tech seems pointless.  If its fast and never really featured its cool but you can’t make Beaming cooler with swirly shit.  Besides, it looks like a laser toilet.

01:13

Can somebody tell me why Kirk is in black and not gold?  Does it have something to do with the rumored time-change story arch?  It fuckin better.  Command Gold or Dress Greens are the only options for a Starfleet Captain.

01:14-01:19

We’re getting some cool shots of Starships – I wonder if one of them is the USS Farragut where Lt. James Kirk was stationed while Chris Pike commanded Spock on the Enterprise.

01:20

Silly shot of Eric Bana as der villain…

01:29

We do get a quick shot of Bruce Greenwood as Pike here – I wonder how that’s gonna end…  It would be so cool to see Pike hand Kirk the reigns.  And I just realized that Pike is in Gold with Kirk in that background – hmmm – maybe away-mission duds?

01:30

Then there’s a cool shot of somebody – presumably Kirk – delivering a vergasa punch…

01:30+

Then some sexy, shirtless bits of the Captain and Uhura – very nice.  I would totally geek if they bone but there really are no grounds for it in the mythology.

01:31

I love Scotty.

I love Simon Pegg.

I love Simon Pegg as Scotty.

01:33

Swordfight?  What the fuck?  I’m a little queasy at the moment….

01:35

John Cho lookin like he gets to put some actual work in on the mufucker.  I like it.  I was afraid he was gonna be straight-up comic relief.  His casting is still lazy and racist, though.

01:36

So we see the villain escaping from a Romulan prison…  Please God tell me this isn’t Cape Fear in space.  It is, isn’t it?  Does Eric Bana time travel to hang on the underside of the Corvette and Jimmy Kirk is really driving like that so Bana eats it in the canyon?  That could maybe excuse the first scene.  Maybe.

01:35-01:38

Karl Urban as Bones.  Bones is my 2nd fave character in TOS behind Mr. Scott.  Urban does seems to have DeForest Kelley’s rythm down, I think.  But once again he’s playing a part I should have had.

01:38

Finally – Captain James T. Kirk in his gold uni.  Too bad he’s saying a cheesy ass line like “Buckle Up”.  I’m betting this is from the last scene of the flick.  It seems like it might be meant to hearken back to the silly epilogue scenes that buttoned up the old episodes.

01:40

Spock choking Kirk has me very interested.

01:41

Uhura behind that submarine glass navigation thingy is cool.  That does some little work to thwarting Devin’s Air Force theory.

01:43

Is that the Slave 1?  Did Eric Bana go to George Lucas’ yard sale and trade a Warbird for the Slave 1?  Is it because the lasers whistle?  Again with the damned whistling tech…

01:44

Kirk seems to be brandishing a Klingon disruptor – interesting.

01:44+

I swear I’ve seen the USS Kelvin somewhere before but can’t find it mentioned online except for this movie…  Maybe it was an earlier image release.

01:47

The corny-ass line required for such trailers.  Bana: “The wait is over” — Obviously it’s meant to have a double-meaning, but the 2nd doesn’t fucking pan since 21 seconds later we’re told we have to wait til fucking MAY!  Bastards…

But that last little bit proves the trailer ultimately accomplished its goal.  I can’t wait for this shit. I want it now.

Now for some more general bits. – returning to Chud-Devin’s statement that “JJ Abrams doesn’t quite get Star Trek” – I don’t really see how he can say that.  Yes, I’m very vocal about hating the casting of Kirk, Sulu and Bones.  But this trailer does seem to get the characters – and that’s better than a lot of Trek flicks have done.  “Generations” – anyone?  Yes I would rather see a sci-fi movie than a revenge story – But it’s more important to me that they get our heroes right.  Kirk, Spock and Bones seem to be somewhat adversarial in this and that’s how it should be.  They are the administration of the crew.  They engage in debates where the outcome means life or death for hundreds of crew and quite often millions of civilians.  They’re fights are big and tense – and they’re still all best friends at the end of the day.  That’s TOS Trek.

Maybe we’ll get some real sci-fi high concept stuff on the next trip.

And, with that — See ya’s!!!

P.S.  You should all get out to your local video purchasing outlet and pick up Dance of the Dead.  It was my favorite at SXSW and I was crazy happy to see that Sam Raimi’s Ghosthouse company picked them up for a DVD distribution deal.  I look forward to whatever those kids put out next.

My Midday with Val Kilmer

Felon

My roommate picked this up from blockbuster – I doubt I would have rented it myself. I saw Val Kilmer and who I thought to have been Baz Luhrmann’s Mercutio on the cover. Val had some badass facial hair and that’s ultimately what won me over on this day off.

At first I thought I might have fucked up. The first several scenes, the typical “how I got to prison” sequence, where Stephen Dorff accidentally kills a home invader… Those were the cheesiest, hack bullshit scenes I’ve been eye-raped by in a while.

But, I thought to myself, wait for Kilmer.

And then there he was. All grizzled and beautiful. And then – what? no way… Sam Fucking Shepherd was right there with him!

Sam.

Fucking.

Shepherd!

That’s really when the movie starts. We learn that Kilmer’s character, John Smith (i don’t get it either), is being transferred to another facility – we can assume it’s the one Stephen Dorff’s going to.

I dug the realism of the procedural shit. I ain’t never been in jail but I’ve experienced courtroom situations and have friends who used to be correctional officers. The language, the attitudes – most of it was in pretty good shape.

So, Dorff gets thrown in das Slam – we meet some Aryan Brotherhood fucks – see a lovely little gang murder (I should carry a sharpened toothbrush around at all times, I think) and then we’re in jail.

Dorff done a pretty good job – his acting and the cutting style employed did a good job of making a small amount of time feel long and excruciating and — jail-ish? But other than a short sequence or two his early scenes are standard prison movie scenes of the innocent guy locked up.

Then, finally, Val Kilmer moves into Dorff’s cell.

Here’s the funny thing about Felon. John Smith is not only the worst-named but also easily the worst written character in this straight-to-dvd release. But Kilmer shits magic. The textures and movements and looks and gritty voice he brings into that cell make the character jump off the screen. Smith, as written, Is a stock veteran lifer who quotes random bullshit and dispenses BS wisdom like Pez. But Kilmer made him so real that (and this is how it should be kids) it didn’t matter that the advice really has little value – what matters is that Smith believed every fucking word of it. The second part of the funny thing about Felon is Harold Perrineau as Lt. Jackson, the leader of the prison guards. Jackson is the Best-written character in this – and it Perrineau seemed to be doing a great job – but the character,overall,came off as kinda silly. I think it’s because director Waugh slacked off in his direction of Perrneau, trusting his writing to care of everything – too bad he was wrong. Perrineau is a damn good actor – But he’s a theatre guy. You gots to tone them motherfuckers down. They ain’t all Brando.

The drama between Dorff and his wife, Marisol Nichols, unfolds in a way that feels very real – they’re concerns are those which are legitimate for a real world couple when the bread-winner suddenly is removed from the equation. And the relationship between Dorff and Kilmer grows in a slow and tension-filled way that’s pretty cool. Even when Kilmer helps Dorff’s character you are aware that he has his own motives and isn’t simply doing it because “He’s my friend”. Kilmer already played that guy

and I think it unlikely he’ll do it again.

Then the climax shows up. And it’s a little too Hollywood but the acting is so great I didn’t give a sticky fuck.

The scene between Sam Shepherd and Dorff… Shepherd is a god among gods among actors and writers. I love that old fucker. I was drooling Shepherd was so dead nuts on in that scene.

The huge negatives are,as always,not enough Val Kilmer or Sam Shepherd. I understand why this movie was straight-to-dvd – its a hard sale. Prison movies always are. What was the last one to turn a buck theatrically? Shawshank Redemption? And what was the first one to make money….. probably Shawshank Redemption.

So, there it is – watch it for the old guys – if you can last through the bullshit in the early scenes.

Oh, and the fights were really cool and there’s one blood effect that was so badass I made happy in my pants.

Emily M. Hagins, Abel Ferrara x 2, Vincent Price and Charles Bronson = Wicked Good Weekend

(throw back a shot every time I say ‘fuck’ or a variant thereof)

FRIDAY:

I done been wanting to see Pathogen since I heard about. I think the first I read of it was Harry Knowles’ article about Emily Hagins getting a grant from the great nation of Texas. I went geeky over the idea of a 13-year-old girl making a zombie movie – as I think anyone who doesn’t suck should. And then she made it and there were screenings and the eventual dvd release but the world seemed to conspire to fuck me outta seeing it.

Well Thursday night I happened across Ms. Hagins on Facebook and asked her if she knew of the dvd being available for rent anywhere in town since I knew she had sold out on her website. She told me Vulcan South – So Friday I saddled my truck and headed to the other side of Town Lake (all respect to Lady Bird, but having Hank Hill’s dog named after you is more than enough, Greedy Ass). So, I went down there and nabbed it. the store’s cool. Ain’t been in a Vulcan before. They had a picture of The Duke on the wall but it coulda been a lot bigger. He’s The Duke, Motherfuckers.

So, I had Pathogen – but I wanted more. Hadn’t been to I Luv Video in a while so I headed there. i walked in and the lovely Alex who works there looked absolutley beautiful – I been in love with her since I first walked off in that bitch. I strolled around that fuckin store forever, had 2 full phone conversations with my brother and rented 3 movies.

Went home ad plugged Pathogen in. Fuck…. That young gal can make a damn movie, y’all. When I was her age I couldn’t even finish a story for a 24 page comic book. She threw down a feature length with great genre moments, well written characters and dialog better than half the shit coming out of Hollywood (not the greatest compliment, I know). i expect to be begging her for a job some day in the near future.

Then I went downtown with my roommate Nate-dawg and got pretty drunk, drank with Leslie Cochrane, ran into some highschool friends and…. did I mention ‘got really drunk’?

Then we came home and watched Pathogen – Nate was naked – I’m not sure why. It was funny, and not the first time this week.

SATURDAY:

Today I had an Abel Ferrara double feature without even realizing it. The first of the I Luv Video flicks was King of New York. Ferrara is a filmmaker I had no experience with before today. After this movie I wasn’t sure I’d want to have anymore. There were moments of true genius but overall it was pretty sloppy – and not in a good way. Walken was God, though. Every time I got to watch him was a gift. But this movie had the worst gunfights I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m a gunfight guy. I’m not the biggest Larry Fishburn fan in the world but he was fun to watch in this – and watching him kill Wesley Snipes was a pretty cool scene.

The second part of the double bill was Bad Lieutenant. I fucking LOVED the balls off of this flick. Harvey Keitel rules my fucking world – and I can’t believe the fuckin shape that sumbitch was in. This review just got crazy shoted because I’ma go drink at Fado and watch Blaggards. But this time I’ll be more careful parking so Al Qaeda don’t be fuck up no more historical landmarks when they trying to kill me. Already got the Governor’s Mansion on my soul, don’t need no more.

I’m posting this on Saturday night but I’m gonna update it tomorrow after I watch Master of the World, and adaptation of a Jules Verne book starring Vincent Price AND Charles Bronson!!!!! Is there anything cooler than that!?! No. The answer is No

SUNDAY:

Was waisted.

MONDAY:

i FINALLY watched Master of the World. It was lacking in a lot of areas, but it delivered on Bronson and Price. Both were tough motherfuckers with opposing agendas and I couldn’t have hoped for anything more really. Price is a Nemo-esque character who functions somewhat like a more active predecessor to Klaatu – if the Earth don’t stop killing itself, he will kill the Earth with his well-armed airship and loyal crew.

Bronson is an agent of the U.S. government who finds himself in a position to stop Price’s Robard and his men. You could definitely tell that Price was loving every ounce of his character.

Hell, how could he not? Look at that facial hair:

Who wouldn’t love that part!?

So, I’ve had me some good movie time. Yay for me.

And Weird Wednesday is gonna have “Rolling Thunder” this week!

Stan Winston

Adam should be writing this. That’s all there is to it. My brother has preached the gospel of Stan Winston for longer than I can remember. When I wanted to make movies in order to best Spielberg and Lucas and Cameron, Adam was driven to the dream by one man. The man who rendered animated our finest dreams and made our nightmares beautiful. He built the T-100, sculpted the ultimate interplanetary trophy hunter, machined Tony Stark’s armor, brought dinosaurs into my living room, and revolutionized creature effects before I could cuss:

and again as recent as 1999:

Winston was a hero among heroes who never failed to bring class and humor to the table while showing the world a creative spark the likes of which we have hardly ever seen. His talents brought into being a neo-cryptozoological world that is recognizable around the Earth. A teenager in Taiwan may or may not know what a Golden Retriever looks like, but show the same kid a picture of the Predator and he’ll give you a short list of the creature’s weapons, tell you what color his blood is and clue you in as to his personal favorite kills perpetrated by said creature.

The man gifted us with textures that simply were not possible before him.

I look forward to a long conversation with Adam concerning Stan Winston’s passing. I know how his heart dropped when he heard the news. He’s his John Lennon. I loved the man for what he gave me and the world is a lesser place to be without him. When I first read of his passing moments before beginning this post I started mourning him as a loved one without even realizing it. When friends and close relatives have died, one of my strongest reactions was to hurt because I would never again be able to do a certain thing that we had done together – or something they or I had promised the other. And as much as I know the fourth installments of Terminator and Jurassic Park are going to be horrible and thus (yeah, I just said ‘thus’) enrage me without end – I absolutely knew that Stan Winston would craft for me visual spectacles which would make my brain explode with the purest of geeky joy. He had promised me that… then cancer took him from me.

He was only 62. I wasn’t done with him yet. My heart’s a little emptier now. He deserves something far more poetic than what I’ve got here or even what I’ve read other places.

Stan, we loved you as a friend because you were in it for all the right reasons. Thank you for showing us magic again.

Saving Nathan Fillion

• Short Review: 11.99 {of 10}

Happy Memorial Day, America.

While you’re fishing or drinking or barbequing or whatever today you should remember the reason you’re doing it without an Emperoro to answer to is the countless number of kids who blinked their eyes and all-of-a-sudden the meat of their bodies was ground into the sand and all they wanted was their mother.

I’ve never seen sacrifice as perfectly portrayed as it is in Private Ryan. When I came out of the Hollywood 16 Theater in Waco after having watched it the first time I could barely breath but couldn’t stop discussing it.

It hurt right.

I saw it 5 times in the theatre. My step-dad has me beat with 7.

I read about the hordes of D-Day vets who came up to Spielberg crying at screenings – thanking him for the truth. “The Truth” – in a piece of fictional filmmaking – ain’t that what it’s all about. I remember my entire body locking up when the first rounds hit the men in front on Omaha Beach. The choking fear that good boys were going to drown. The hatred at their waste

And then our guys were given a mission. To find a boy. One of their own who’s the last of 4 brothers. A misdropped paratrooper. And they go. They know the situation – they know the firestorm they’re walking into but their Captain takes them and they go.

I won God’s lottery once when I was born in America. I won it again when I was born too late for the draft. All three of my grandfathers served. My Dad was drafted into the reserves. My stepdad joined so he wouldn’t be drafted. I was 20-years-old on 9/11/2001 and that was the first time I put any thought into the what ifs of a possible draft situation. But even then it wasn’t tangible. I never believed in my heart it would happen. Voters are too finicky. Greenlighting the draft again is political suicide. So, I’ve never had to deal with any such decision. I’ve never even considered the military an option. They don’t have filmmaking courses.

But the reactions from Americans to WWII were totally different. On December 8, 1941, recruiting offices were running out of enlistment forms. The young men of the United States knew their country had been wronged and they were out to set shit the fuck right.

And they did.

And many of them died doing so in order for their brothers in arms to move forward and take the field.

This is why my brother and I have a tradition of watching Saving Private Ryan every Memorial Day. We try to watch it together but don’t always get to. The tradition has lasted 7 years so far. Tomorrow Adam is driving to Austin so we can get it watched for the year

I love Steven Spielberg for the most part – he plays a huge part in my brother and I wanting to be filmmakers. None of his movies touch me like Ryan. There are tears every time.

The characters are all people I know. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why Barry Pepper’s character Jackson is the one I’ve always identified with most. That may be a subject for an entirely different discussion.

The cinematography is gritty and real and brought filmic texture to our awareness like we’d never thought possible. It’s a true masterpiece from an era when few that were even “fair to Midlands” were being delivered to us.

And for my Firefly brother and sisters – if you’ve somehow missed this movie and you need more convincing, check out Captain Mal Reynolds back when he was a lowly Private engaged in urban warfare in 1944 France:

Henry Jones vs Motherfuckin MARTIANS!

• SHORT REVIEW: 9.37

{10 = Loved it like cock / 0= Nic Cage level of suck}

Ok, so I started a blog -and this is the first one and it’s here to defend the new Indiana Jones to a certain extent. Let me start with the Disclaimer:

-Yes, I realize if I’d gone in thinking it was a truly worthy Indy I’d be as pissed off as everyone else. Most likely even more so

BUT I didn’t – I was prepared because I’d been expecting untethered suck from over a year ago when I heard that A. Lucas and Paramount were rushing the hell out of it and B. most importantly, Lawrence Kasdan was to have nothing to do with the script. For those who don’t know, Lawrence Kasdan was the young writer tapped by a newly successful George Lucas o flesh out his scripts for Empire and Jedi – e.g. The reason the dialog was far beyond that of Star Wars (Fuck your Hope, GeorgeyBoy, New or otherwise). Lucas also hired Larry for all 3 REAL Indiana Jones scripts. So, why he wasn’t calf-roped and drug out to the Skywalker Ranch I’ll never know. All he’s got going is Clash of the Titans and who knows if that’ll ever see the light of friggin day.

Then, to make matters worse, he had hired the Spiderman guy…

I mean, Koepp did a great job with Spidey but the rhythm of that flick was all him and while it worked for the WebHead it ain’t really how we like our Indy to flow.

So, I was more than prepared for the shitstorm from FaNazis. Hell, I’m generally ready to be their Gruppenführer. And, of course, the Prequel Trilogy was figuring heavily into my worries…

And that’s the thing – Through the prequels, I do think Lucas got better and better – I don’t think he’ll ever be the Lucas we would have paid to fellate in front of our parents but he was growing after becoming a complacent old fuck (Why we Hate Lucas for this and we don’t say word-fucking-one about Paul McCartney, I’ll never understand) – So, I think Crystal Skull is the next step in his new evolution. Of course Spielberg is a huge part of it, but I don’t think CS does to Indy Original Trilogy what Phantom Menace did to Star Wars OT.

Now, after that helping of streamofconsciousness bullshit – Here’s some more!

The problems with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

!. Cinematography -

What

The

Fuck!

You could practically see the serial numbers on the stage light fixtures reflected in the cars in the Nevada “exteriors”. These are the guys that brought the concept of green screen into the public consciousness. How do they fuck this up!? How do you invent a tool and forget how to use it? It’s like Bill Gates having to call the Best Buy Geek Squad for help with MS Word. The ONLY shot that looked like a true Indy shot was the superwide from above of the 2nd (of 3) waterfall.

2. CGI – “Fuck ILM, Fuck Brainasium and fuck all of you!” I should hate the movie based on the CG. Yes, I’m THAT guy. But I’ve grown so numb it disgusts me. If ILM had a soul I’d hate it. This is an excerpt from a recent interview:

Me: What happened, ILM?

ILM: Whatever do you mean, Me?

Me: Well, do you remember back in ‘77 when yous guys single-handedly invented CGI?

ILM: Not really – That was a long time ago. Now, when we masturbate we ejaculate dust.

Me: And you just drop that on celluloid negative and print it as your product?

ILM: Woah, you’re fuckin psychic, Dude.

Me: Yes I am.

ILM: Sweeet…

Me: It was pretty Obvious y’all were phoning it in with War of the Worlds, Minority Report and The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. i mean, Jesus-Lion’s paw was just a disassociated cloud of relatively similarly colored pixels!

ILM: So, what’s the problem?

Me: Did you see that first Chronicles of Narnia?

ILM: Oh hell no.

Me: But you were paid millions of dollars for it?

ILM: Yip.

Me: Have you seen what the WETA guys did with LOTR Two Towers?

ILM: Yeah, me and Masi Oka from “Heroes” got cranked on speedballs and went to see it.

Me: And weren’t you blown away by the graphics work on Gollum?

ILM: Holy shit – That was CG!? Wow.

Me: Yeah, while you guys are up here in Cali with endless backing showing your ass you’re getting trounced by a couple of rednecks in a barn in New Zealand.

ILM: I’m bored with this interview now – I’m going to the ATM to check mu balance and wank until dust flies like Mardi Gras confetti.

(end transcript)

So, those are my major gripes with the flick. My two problems with the script (other than those I’d already expected as far as rhythm, etc) are that I don’t understand why Cate Blanchett’s character got burnt up by Marvin and his Posse and that the exchange between Indy and Ms. Animal House where he let her know he was into her was hack bullshit.

Now – my Defense of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

I’m not gonna say ‘it coulda been worse’ or ‘you need to shut your brain off’ — people who say that last one (yes, that means you Nathanael) should have their ball hairs plucked one by one -

It was a lot f fun folks. That’s where the original concept of Indiana Jones came from anyway. It’s High Adventure. It’s pirates and cowboys and ninjas all mixed together. That’s what Indiana Jones always was. What it should be. It’s not totally brainless. Crystal Skull is no where near Raiders or Crusade but anyone calling it on the grounds of Silly needs to go back and check their shit as far as Temple of Doom

Now, Jessica, you had some concerns as far as Ray Winstone, Jim Broadbent and Karen Allen having been wasted. I can agree with you as far as Allen, but I think Ray and Jim were done right. Of course I would have loved more of them, but most Americans aren’t as ready to suckle Winstone’s teet as you and I. Jason turned and asked if that was ‘the Beowulf guy’. He ain’t got the cred he deserves from the U.S. but I think he will and you just have to be patient. Patience goes for Broadbent, as well, but in a different way. I think they’re seeding hope with that character. Hope for another. Just pray it’s Indy and not Mutt Jones and Ho Chi Minh’s Nickle-Plaited Timex. Also, I loved Marcus Brody. Loved him like cock. I would’ve been way far more pissed had they stuck any less of an actor in that office. JB was a good choice. I needed his sincerity.

You also said the reference to Henry Jones, Sr., was crap. I vehemently disagree (that’s an Ernie word). If Connery stays true to his word and stays retired from live action performance I think Harrison Ford peering longingly at his father is an infinitely better send-off than ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’. So, to use you’re own words against you, Jessica, “FUCK YOU!” (I can’t believe she didn’t get out and beat your ass!)

I think Shia LeBouf was a great choice – I know people seem to have trouble with him but I don’t get it. He’s not the pretty-boy. He just looks lie a kid. And he does a good job playing many different manners of kids. The boy turns in quality when most of his generation put more work into their headshots.

And Harrison, lovely Harrison – Thank you thank you thank you, Mr. Ford. Harrison, do you realize it’s been 14 damn years since you’ve done anything worth watching? The Fugitive and Clear and Present Danger WERE going to be the swan songs of the era where you didn’t suck beefy ass. 1994 Motherfucker!!! One of the greatest gifts I received from Crystal Skull was watching you be remember what the fuck Harrison Ford is supposed to be to us. Now, get rid of that damned earing and we’ll be smooth – you got me, Soul?

-fin

P.S. Thanks to all Indy folks for the “Snake-as-a-rope” scene. Loved it like cock!