My friend Ernie told me these words when I was complaining about Voyager.  Ernie is a true glutton for Trek and I can appreciate it.

But Voyager sucks rocks through a straw.  So does most of Next Generation.  DS9 at least tried to get back to the true sci-fi stuff every once in a while.  What I’ve seen of the last season of Enterprise did as well.

So this is my review of the full trailer for the JJ Abrams Star Trek movie.  Watch before reading.  The trailer is currently attached to Quantum of Solace which is one of the absolute worst movies I’ve ever seen.

But this is about new Trek.  Fuck all else.

I’ve seen a lot of rumblings on the interwebs saying Abrams doesn’t get Trek and blah blah blah.  The main guy I read saying this was Devin over at Chud.com. I dig homeboy most of the time and he even says several things in his article which make him seem like we’d normally be on the same side of a Trek-related squab.  That ain’t exactly how it is this time ’round.

Here’s my mostly Play-by-Play of the trailer:

00:06

I do have to partially agree with Devin’s “meh” response to the opening sequence w/ lil Kirk driving the ‘Vette.  While I think the gist of the scene is something we can get behind the concept should have been bigger and, far more importantly, it should have been at least a little bit original.  Yes James Kirk must have been a hoodlum when he was a sprout in Iowa but seeing him do that Thelma and Louise bullshit is fucking boring when we’ve seen him outfight Romulans and outwit super intelligences and singlehandedly shatter countless diplomatic boundaries.

00:39

“My name is James Tiberius Kirk” — corny? of course.  But fuck you all I cheered like a retard getting that Powerwhateverthefuck on Guitar Hero.

00:46

The next bit – the Top Gun piece – is pretty silly too but it gives a good look at a Starship in a way we ain’t really seen before.  And I think that’s Captain Pike giving the guidance counselor speech – which is cool.  Good trailer material.  But the bike sounds gay.  Why must motors of the future whistle?

01:03

Vulcan looks badass and fuck anyone who doesn’t want to see Spock as a kid.  Of course if they’re putting Spock as a kid as occurring at the same time that Kirk is a kid then something is very wrong.  Spock was always the senior by more than several years.  But I don’t think Abrams has made that mistake I just wanted to throw it out there.

01:09

The new version of the transportation tech seems pointless.  If its fast and never really featured its cool but you can’t make Beaming cooler with swirly shit.  Besides, it looks like a laser toilet.

01:13

Can somebody tell me why Kirk is in black and not gold?  Does it have something to do with the rumored time-change story arch?  It fuckin better.  Command Gold or Dress Greens are the only options for a Starfleet Captain.

01:14-01:19

We’re getting some cool shots of Starships – I wonder if one of them is the USS Farragut where Lt. James Kirk was stationed while Chris Pike commanded Spock on the Enterprise.

01:20

Silly shot of Eric Bana as der villain…

01:29

We do get a quick shot of Bruce Greenwood as Pike here – I wonder how that’s gonna end…  It would be so cool to see Pike hand Kirk the reigns.  And I just realized that Pike is in Gold with Kirk in that background – hmmm – maybe away-mission duds?

01:30

Then there’s a cool shot of somebody – presumably Kirk – delivering a vergasa punch…

01:30+

Then some sexy, shirtless bits of the Captain and Uhura – very nice.  I would totally geek if they bone but there really are no grounds for it in the mythology.

01:31

I love Scotty.

I love Simon Pegg.

I love Simon Pegg as Scotty.

01:33

Swordfight?  What the fuck?  I’m a little queasy at the moment….

01:35

John Cho lookin like he gets to put some actual work in on the mufucker.  I like it.  I was afraid he was gonna be straight-up comic relief.  His casting is still lazy and racist, though.

01:36

So we see the villain escaping from a Romulan prison…  Please God tell me this isn’t Cape Fear in space.  It is, isn’t it?  Does Eric Bana time travel to hang on the underside of the Corvette and Jimmy Kirk is really driving like that so Bana eats it in the canyon?  That could maybe excuse the first scene.  Maybe.

01:35-01:38

Karl Urban as Bones.  Bones is my 2nd fave character in TOS behind Mr. Scott.  Urban does seems to have DeForest Kelley’s rythm down, I think.  But once again he’s playing a part I should have had.

01:38

Finally – Captain James T. Kirk in his gold uni.  Too bad he’s saying a cheesy ass line like “Buckle Up”.  I’m betting this is from the last scene of the flick.  It seems like it might be meant to hearken back to the silly epilogue scenes that buttoned up the old episodes.

01:40

Spock choking Kirk has me very interested.

01:41

Uhura behind that submarine glass navigation thingy is cool.  That does some little work to thwarting Devin’s Air Force theory.

01:43

Is that the Slave 1?  Did Eric Bana go to George Lucas’ yard sale and trade a Warbird for the Slave 1?  Is it because the lasers whistle?  Again with the damned whistling tech…

01:44

Kirk seems to be brandishing a Klingon disruptor – interesting.

01:44+

I swear I’ve seen the USS Kelvin somewhere before but can’t find it mentioned online except for this movie…  Maybe it was an earlier image release.

01:47

The corny-ass line required for such trailers.  Bana: “The wait is over” — Obviously it’s meant to have a double-meaning, but the 2nd doesn’t fucking pan since 21 seconds later we’re told we have to wait til fucking MAY!  Bastards…

But that last little bit proves the trailer ultimately accomplished its goal.  I can’t wait for this shit. I want it now.

Now for some more general bits. – returning to Chud-Devin’s statement that “JJ Abrams doesn’t quite get Star Trek” – I don’t really see how he can say that.  Yes, I’m very vocal about hating the casting of Kirk, Sulu and Bones.  But this trailer does seem to get the characters – and that’s better than a lot of Trek flicks have done.  “Generations” – anyone?  Yes I would rather see a sci-fi movie than a revenge story – But it’s more important to me that they get our heroes right.  Kirk, Spock and Bones seem to be somewhat adversarial in this and that’s how it should be.  They are the administration of the crew.  They engage in debates where the outcome means life or death for hundreds of crew and quite often millions of civilians.  They’re fights are big and tense – and they’re still all best friends at the end of the day.  That’s TOS Trek.

Maybe we’ll get some real sci-fi high concept stuff on the next trip.

And, with that — See ya’s!!!

P.S.  You should all get out to your local video purchasing outlet and pick up Dance of the Dead.  It was my favorite at SXSW and I was crazy happy to see that Sam Raimi’s Ghosthouse company picked them up for a DVD distribution deal.  I look forward to whatever those kids put out next.