Number 2 of 3 — you may never know what the other 2 were.

I think I told you this back when I was alive but….

When we were little and did the traveling between parents thing, Adam had the top bunk and I had the lower one in mom’s apt in Austin.  There was a big window opposite said bunk bed.  I always wanted the curtain closed before I would go to sleep.  Wasn’t sure what I was scared of but it was something.

One night I wake up in a dream.  The curtain’s open and its just black outside.  Why’s the window open?  Did I forget to pull the curtain?  How could I have forgotten?  I always remember when everyone else forgets.  The light’s on in the room.  Why in the hell is the light on?

Then there’s a man at the window.  I’ll never know his name but when Ethan Hawke says the poem in Dead Poets Society about the “sweaty toothed madman” I always think of the wiry-haired scraggly fucker with the killer eyes who stared at me through that window that night and all I could think was, “don’t let him know about my brother on the top bunk”.

The man starts banging on the window-glass.  He’s coming through.

I wrapped myself in a sheet and started screaming and rolling on the ground to distract him from what I hoped was hidden by a mound of blankets on the top bunk.

I heard the window-glass break.

…

So, yeah, that was fun.  I couldn’t get to sleep for dick after that UNLESS I sang the Ninja Turtles theme to myself and knew Rafael was somewhere keeping an eye out for the sweaty toothed madman.

Man Love

So, I’m about to go my ass to sleep last night when I get a text from my boy Rusty.

It says:     “Marky Mark is Max Payne?”  in reference to the trailers for the May Payne flick coming out soon.  You wouldn’t think this simple text would lead to

The Most Funnest Text Conversation Ever!

– but it did.  Here’s how:

Well, we talked some shit about the movie but, of course, in the end I had to say that I’d watch Marky Mark do anything.  Which lead to us fighting over Mark Wahlberg for a whole minute.  And then….

Rusty:   Fine, you can have him, I’ll take Matt Damon.

Me:       You can have Good Will Hunting if I can have my Dirk.

R:   Ok but i also get my Banky Edwards

M:  And I get my Edward Norton.

R:  Ok you Bastard but for that I get Dafoe

M:   Fine then.  Guess who I get.

Sean.

Patrick.

Flannery.

R:   I figured you might.  Good thing I have already procured Michael Cera.

(that one hit home for me.)

M:  Fuck.  Y’know what?  I got me some Charles Bronson, circa Great Escape.

R:   Then I’ll take the freecreditreport.com guy — he’s so dreamy

M:   You brought this on yourself:      William Shatner.

R:   I did want to say Chuck but you don’t choose Chuck, he chooses you.  So I think I’ll take Adam muthaFuckin West!

M:   Oh damn that’s good.  I was stuck for a second, then:  Stephen Root.

(this is when it got “weird”)

R:   I’ll take William Shatner and David Hasselhoff’s lovechild as a pick to be named later.

M:   You can have Michael James Shatnhoff.  I take Michael J. Fox.

R:   Great Scott!  I’ll take Chistopher Lloyd.

M:   John Cleese and Darth Vader’s offspring, Tim Skywalker.

R:   Legolas Lovitz

M:   Donatello Prime.

R:  Tommy Lee Duvall

M:  Fuck you.  I was going there.  Burt Selleck.

and here’s when I fell asleep, plus also Rusty gotta pretty damn good zinger so he won:

R:  Snake Plissken + John Wayne = DUKE PLISSKEN.