Saving Nathan Fillion

• Short Review: 11.99 {of 10}

Happy Memorial Day, America.

While you’re fishing or drinking or barbequing or whatever today you should remember the reason you’re doing it without an Emperoro to answer to is the countless number of kids who blinked their eyes and all-of-a-sudden the meat of their bodies was ground into the sand and all they wanted was their mother.

I’ve never seen sacrifice as perfectly portrayed as it is in Private Ryan. When I came out of the Hollywood 16 Theater in Waco after having watched it the first time I could barely breath but couldn’t stop discussing it.

It hurt right.

I saw it 5 times in the theatre. My step-dad has me beat with 7.

I read about the hordes of D-Day vets who came up to Spielberg crying at screenings – thanking him for the truth. “The Truth” – in a piece of fictional filmmaking – ain’t that what it’s all about. I remember my entire body locking up when the first rounds hit the men in front on Omaha Beach. The choking fear that good boys were going to drown. The hatred at their waste

And then our guys were given a mission. To find a boy. One of their own who’s the last of 4 brothers. A misdropped paratrooper. And they go. They know the situation – they know the firestorm they’re walking into but their Captain takes them and they go.

I won God’s lottery once when I was born in America. I won it again when I was born too late for the draft. All three of my grandfathers served. My Dad was drafted into the reserves. My stepdad joined so he wouldn’t be drafted. I was 20-years-old on 9/11/2001 and that was the first time I put any thought into the what ifs of a possible draft situation. But even then it wasn’t tangible. I never believed in my heart it would happen. Voters are too finicky. Greenlighting the draft again is political suicide. So, I’ve never had to deal with any such decision. I’ve never even considered the military an option. They don’t have filmmaking courses.

But the reactions from Americans to WWII were totally different. On December 8, 1941, recruiting offices were running out of enlistment forms. The young men of the United States knew their country had been wronged and they were out to set shit the fuck right.

And they did.

And many of them died doing so in order for their brothers in arms to move forward and take the field.

This is why my brother and I have a tradition of watching Saving Private Ryan every Memorial Day. We try to watch it together but don’t always get to. The tradition has lasted 7 years so far. Tomorrow Adam is driving to Austin so we can get it watched for the year

I love Steven Spielberg for the most part – he plays a huge part in my brother and I wanting to be filmmakers. None of his movies touch me like Ryan. There are tears every time.

The characters are all people I know. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why Barry Pepper’s character Jackson is the one I’ve always identified with most. That may be a subject for an entirely different discussion.

The cinematography is gritty and real and brought filmic texture to our awareness like we’d never thought possible. It’s a true masterpiece from an era when few that were even “fair to Midlands” were being delivered to us.

And for my Firefly brother and sisters – if you’ve somehow missed this movie and you need more convincing, check out Captain Mal Reynolds back when he was a lowly Private engaged in urban warfare in 1944 France:

Henry Jones vs Motherfuckin MARTIANS!

• SHORT REVIEW: 9.37

{10 = Loved it like cock / 0= Nic Cage level of suck}

Ok, so I started a blog -and this is the first one and it’s here to defend the new Indiana Jones to a certain extent. Let me start with the Disclaimer:

-Yes, I realize if I’d gone in thinking it was a truly worthy Indy I’d be as pissed off as everyone else. Most likely even more so

BUT I didn’t – I was prepared because I’d been expecting untethered suck from over a year ago when I heard that A. Lucas and Paramount were rushing the hell out of it and B. most importantly, Lawrence Kasdan was to have nothing to do with the script. For those who don’t know, Lawrence Kasdan was the young writer tapped by a newly successful George Lucas o flesh out his scripts for Empire and Jedi – e.g. The reason the dialog was far beyond that of Star Wars (Fuck your Hope, GeorgeyBoy, New or otherwise). Lucas also hired Larry for all 3 REAL Indiana Jones scripts. So, why he wasn’t calf-roped and drug out to the Skywalker Ranch I’ll never know. All he’s got going is Clash of the Titans and who knows if that’ll ever see the light of friggin day.

Then, to make matters worse, he had hired the Spiderman guy…

I mean, Koepp did a great job with Spidey but the rhythm of that flick was all him and while it worked for the WebHead it ain’t really how we like our Indy to flow.

So, I was more than prepared for the shitstorm from FaNazis. Hell, I’m generally ready to be their Gruppenführer. And, of course, the Prequel Trilogy was figuring heavily into my worries…

And that’s the thing – Through the prequels, I do think Lucas got better and better – I don’t think he’ll ever be the Lucas we would have paid to fellate in front of our parents but he was growing after becoming a complacent old fuck (Why we Hate Lucas for this and we don’t say word-fucking-one about Paul McCartney, I’ll never understand) – So, I think Crystal Skull is the next step in his new evolution. Of course Spielberg is a huge part of it, but I don’t think CS does to Indy Original Trilogy what Phantom Menace did to Star Wars OT.

Now, after that helping of streamofconsciousness bullshit – Here’s some more!

The problems with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

!. Cinematography -

What

The

Fuck!

You could practically see the serial numbers on the stage light fixtures reflected in the cars in the Nevada “exteriors”. These are the guys that brought the concept of green screen into the public consciousness. How do they fuck this up!? How do you invent a tool and forget how to use it? It’s like Bill Gates having to call the Best Buy Geek Squad for help with MS Word. The ONLY shot that looked like a true Indy shot was the superwide from above of the 2nd (of 3) waterfall.

2. CGI – “Fuck ILM, Fuck Brainasium and fuck all of you!” I should hate the movie based on the CG. Yes, I’m THAT guy. But I’ve grown so numb it disgusts me. If ILM had a soul I’d hate it. This is an excerpt from a recent interview:

Me: What happened, ILM?

ILM: Whatever do you mean, Me?

Me: Well, do you remember back in ‘77 when yous guys single-handedly invented CGI?

ILM: Not really – That was a long time ago. Now, when we masturbate we ejaculate dust.

Me: And you just drop that on celluloid negative and print it as your product?

ILM: Woah, you’re fuckin psychic, Dude.

Me: Yes I am.

ILM: Sweeet…

Me: It was pretty Obvious y’all were phoning it in with War of the Worlds, Minority Report and The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. i mean, Jesus-Lion’s paw was just a disassociated cloud of relatively similarly colored pixels!

ILM: So, what’s the problem?

Me: Did you see that first Chronicles of Narnia?

ILM: Oh hell no.

Me: But you were paid millions of dollars for it?

ILM: Yip.

Me: Have you seen what the WETA guys did with LOTR Two Towers?

ILM: Yeah, me and Masi Oka from “Heroes” got cranked on speedballs and went to see it.

Me: And weren’t you blown away by the graphics work on Gollum?

ILM: Holy shit – That was CG!? Wow.

Me: Yeah, while you guys are up here in Cali with endless backing showing your ass you’re getting trounced by a couple of rednecks in a barn in New Zealand.

ILM: I’m bored with this interview now – I’m going to the ATM to check mu balance and wank until dust flies like Mardi Gras confetti.

(end transcript)

So, those are my major gripes with the flick. My two problems with the script (other than those I’d already expected as far as rhythm, etc) are that I don’t understand why Cate Blanchett’s character got burnt up by Marvin and his Posse and that the exchange between Indy and Ms. Animal House where he let her know he was into her was hack bullshit.

Now – my Defense of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:

I’m not gonna say ‘it coulda been worse’ or ‘you need to shut your brain off’ — people who say that last one (yes, that means you Nathanael) should have their ball hairs plucked one by one -

It was a lot f fun folks. That’s where the original concept of Indiana Jones came from anyway. It’s High Adventure. It’s pirates and cowboys and ninjas all mixed together. That’s what Indiana Jones always was. What it should be. It’s not totally brainless. Crystal Skull is no where near Raiders or Crusade but anyone calling it on the grounds of Silly needs to go back and check their shit as far as Temple of Doom

Now, Jessica, you had some concerns as far as Ray Winstone, Jim Broadbent and Karen Allen having been wasted. I can agree with you as far as Allen, but I think Ray and Jim were done right. Of course I would have loved more of them, but most Americans aren’t as ready to suckle Winstone’s teet as you and I. Jason turned and asked if that was ‘the Beowulf guy’. He ain’t got the cred he deserves from the U.S. but I think he will and you just have to be patient. Patience goes for Broadbent, as well, but in a different way. I think they’re seeding hope with that character. Hope for another. Just pray it’s Indy and not Mutt Jones and Ho Chi Minh’s Nickle-Plaited Timex. Also, I loved Marcus Brody. Loved him like cock. I would’ve been way far more pissed had they stuck any less of an actor in that office. JB was a good choice. I needed his sincerity.

You also said the reference to Henry Jones, Sr., was crap. I vehemently disagree (that’s an Ernie word). If Connery stays true to his word and stays retired from live action performance I think Harrison Ford peering longingly at his father is an infinitely better send-off than ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’. So, to use you’re own words against you, Jessica, “FUCK YOU!” (I can’t believe she didn’t get out and beat your ass!)

I think Shia LeBouf was a great choice – I know people seem to have trouble with him but I don’t get it. He’s not the pretty-boy. He just looks lie a kid. And he does a good job playing many different manners of kids. The boy turns in quality when most of his generation put more work into their headshots.

And Harrison, lovely Harrison – Thank you thank you thank you, Mr. Ford. Harrison, do you realize it’s been 14 damn years since you’ve done anything worth watching? The Fugitive and Clear and Present Danger WERE going to be the swan songs of the era where you didn’t suck beefy ass. 1994 Motherfucker!!! One of the greatest gifts I received from Crystal Skull was watching you be remember what the fuck Harrison Ford is supposed to be to us. Now, get rid of that damned earing and we’ll be smooth – you got me, Soul?

-fin

P.S. Thanks to all Indy folks for the “Snake-as-a-rope” scene. Loved it like cock!